| fuck this cunt |
[Jan. 19th, 2008|03:19 am] |
TheKingisDead13: will you wish me a happy 21st?
Jensaarai04: If you want
TheKingisDead13: okay...do it
Jensaarai04: Are you rocking out on your 21st?
Jensaarai04: Happy Birthday chica?
TheKingisDead13: it was five days ago...and i didn't really rock out, and im certainly not rocking out right now. i guess i did some things that would be considered rock and roll...but i did it my way
TheKingisDead13: do you remember the drama of my 19th?
Jensaarai04: Do I?
TheKingisDead13: does that mean yes?
Jensaarai04: Not really
Jensaarai04: I'm kinda fucked up right now
TheKingisDead13: on what?
TheKingisDead13: the drama had nothing to do with me...there was lindz passing out somewhere that other kid who she was sucking face with breaking his leg, we went to the strip club and stole a dollar from the dancer and gave it back to her
Jensaarai04: Oh yeah, I was there for the strip club part
TheKingisDead13: yeah, so what are you fucked up on
Jensaarai04: Just booze and weed
TheKingisDead13: sweet...i had one drink tonight and it put me on my ass tonight cause i dont drink anymore...it also might have had something to do with the 160 mg of methadose in me but i never thought one drink could do that to me
TheKingisDead13: ...now that i think about it...i rock out every day
TheKingisDead13: tonight i ate a dose of mehtadose that would be lethal to most, ate a nice dinner with my parents while they met my boyfriend/fiance for the first time who was equally as high...and then we came home and had a huge fight because of safe word abuse
Jensaarai04: o.O
TheKingisDead13: whats that mean?
Jensaarai04: Safe Word Abuse?
TheKingisDead13: yeah...he totally fucked up and didn't respect the safe word which is a big deal to me
TheKingisDead13: and now i have a big chunk of skin missing from my back
TheKingisDead13: but of course im overreacting...im the asshole
TheKingisDead13: when the safe word is used...you immedietly cease and desist...right?
Jensaarai04: Probably
Jensaarai04: I've never had to use one
Jensaarai04: lol
TheKingisDead13: well you're the guy...you would most likely be on the other side of the situation. i use mine at least five times a day
TheKingisDead13: he knows its only the one thing that makes me say it...he can hit me with a belt for 45 minutes and ill be sobbing but i wont use my word...it just sucks for me that its the one thing that he loves doing that i cant stand for him to do and ill use it in a heartbeat
TheKingisDead13: shitty situation, right?
TheKingisDead13: did i make you uncomfortable?
Jensaarai04: Naw, it's cool
Jensaarai04: I was just typing something
Jensaarai04: But yeah
Jensaarai04: Dude needs to know not to break that fundamental border of trust
TheKingisDead13: exactly...its just that he doesn't see it as a big deal. he thinks im faking when im crying, he calls it bad acting...he thinks pulling off me skin in nothing and for some reason he fucking loves to do it
Jensaarai04: Well then, you just gotta let him know by saying no next time, until he realizes he has to regain your trust
TheKingisDead13: i cant say no...i have to say bannana
Jensaarai04: lol
TheKingisDead13: and its not like i dont let him do it...i do let him do it, but i can only take so much and you would think we could have something nice worked out...but i think it should be obvious by the kind of sexual relationship that we have that he likes to get everything he wants
Jensaarai04: Well, you gotta put your foot down till he's ready to compromise, or walk away
TheKingisDead13: put my foot down...im the M in the S&M, us M's aren't knows for putting out feet down...unless we're told to
Jensaarai04: Well, outside that
Jensaarai04: If he crosses the line
Jensaarai04: Cut him off
Jensaarai04: THE END
Jensaarai04: Until he learns
TheKingisDead13: oh, he never crosses the line outside...outside its totally different, he would let me slap him in hte face in public outside
TheKingisDead13: and i could never cut him off...i think i get more out of it that he does
TheKingisDead13: deep down...i even like it when he pulls off my skin....im just really sick of the scars...its getting bad
Jensaarai04: lol
Jensaarai04: Still
Jensaarai04: There has to be a compromise
TheKingisDead13: oh my god...he does not know what that word means
TheKingisDead13: i have tried so many times
Jensaarai04: Teach him
TheKingisDead13: ...its hard to teach an old dog new tricks
TheKingisDead13: and he's one old ass dog
Jensaarai04: Look
Jensaarai04: You have three choices
Jensaarai04: 1) Deal with it
Jensaarai04: 2) Work out a compromise
Jensaarai04: 3) Leave
Jensaarai04: Pick one
Jensaarai04: I'm sorry, but I've had a pretty craptacular day
Jensaarai04: The worst in recent memory
Jensaarai04: My usual advice giving capacity is nonexistant
TheKingisDead13: heh...i bet its nothing in comparison to my past few days...but im sorry nonetheless
Jensaarai04: No
Jensaarai04: Shoot
Jensaarai04: Go for it
TheKingisDead13: wedesday...i couldn't get my methadone, the cunt i get it from didn't have it which means...i had to get heroin, i didn't get paid till friday, fema which farmed out to HUD hasn't been sending the checks right so all my money goes to rent now and im back in the poor house so i had to paws my fucking digital SLR...so we took this new friend of ours and got a bundle and of course had to "hook him up and we would get us fucked up the next day cause he got paid"...so we got high, sold some so we could go out again and get more high...not that bad an end to the day even though i had to do fucking HEROIN which wasn't at the top of my list. thursday: guess who didn't hook us up...and every dealer in the state was gone and there and my methadone fairy was still empty...so i stayed in bed all day...and my parents are coming tomorrow and if i dont get something im going to be so deathly ill because not only will i have heroin withdrawl...but methadone withdrawl...which isn't fun...so at about 8 pm the sick starts; im sick and delerious all night and its only going to get worse. friday: my parents are going to be here at 1...i have no money, i have no drugs, i have no methadone and im puking up gallons of stomach acid (cont)
TheKingisDead13: so at 11 i finally get someone on the phone...so we get 4 bags, 2 each, and it does nothing...we're gonna be fucked by the time my parents get here...my parents get here, russell is in no condition to go see them (oh, and he's never met them because the last time they came to visit he was in jail for heroin posession...great first impression) so i go to the hotel sweating my ass off smelling like stinky goat trying to stall. finally methadone cunt comes through, i get fucked up and dinner goes fine, we get home, we introduce frankenstein to russells little baby neice who is 7...which was great and she was so on point and i was so proud of her. so she goes to bed and we start rolling around...and now he wont talk to me
Jensaarai04: Fun times
Jensaarai04: Sorry you have to go through that
Jensaarai04: I hope things stabilize soon
TheKingisDead13: im trying to get into the methadone clinic...which would be a godsend...it should happen soon
TheKingisDead13: so what was shitty about your day?
Jensaarai04: My whole family is homeless
Jensaarai04: Wee
TheKingisDead13: thats about to happen to a friend of mine...listen to what a shitball he is: his grandfather died and leaves him and his aunt a house...sweet. so he lives there rent free, doesn't work, doesn't do shit and has sucked his aunt so dry of money that the bank is foreclosing on the house
Jensaarai04: Epic fail
TheKingisDead13: that does suck though, i dont enjoy being homeless...although i did spend some time living under a bridge in richmond and it was actually quite cozy and romantic
Jensaarai04: Heh
Jensaarai04: Romanticized vagabond lifestyle
Jensaarai04: Well
Jensaarai04: I hope shit works out for you
TheKingisDead13: ditto
Jensaarai04: I'm worn out from today, so I'm gonna turn in
Jensaarai04: talk to ya later
TheKingisDead13: night
Jensaarai04: Night
Jensaarai04 signed off at 3:10:14 AM. |
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| and old draft i discovered...so why not |
[Jan. 19th, 2008|03:17 am] |
I saw a pig die today. I heard the crash and ran to the scene. When I saw the "man" hanging out of his car and fighting for his last few breaths I was filled with an immense feeling of sorrow...until I found out he was a cop. I know it is cliche to say that I hate cops...but the hatred I feel is so real and so passionate that I was able to watch a man die and feel nothing. If there was any feeling there it was one of smug satisfaction. I felt an immediate change in my body when I learned that he was a cop; where there was once concen and regret...there was now nothing.
I know it's a popular feeling for people my age to say fuck the police...but I think very few people have been so royally fucked and disrespected by them as my boyfriend and I have. We haven't been together and year and already we've been woken in the night and forced to stand in the cold, stripped searched in a rest stop, had our car permanetly damaged, pulled over for no reason other than the fact that I am black and he is white...which forces them to let us go when all out papers are in order. Now many people think that this is bullshit...that there is some other reason for us being pulled over...but we have been pulled over with nothing being wrong with the car, nothing being wrong with my driving, and let go...15 times. I've also been held at gunpoint while on my knees in tears because I was sitting in my car at night reading a magazine and worst of all...they arrested my boyfriend, kept him in a one man cell with three other men, had him on 24 hour lock-down with one shower a week for two months.
I dont care for the police. |
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| there are aliens in roswell |
[Jul. 15th, 2007|06:11 pm] |
i never ever write on this anymore...i had actually forgotten it even existed until i heard it mentioned on the telly. so i looked...and realized that so much had changed since the last time i posted an entry on this bizzare complilation of verbal shit. i've decided that i will give a sort of play by play that lead up to my finally growing up(except the parts i dont feel like mentioning because some asshole would probably think im bragging about how hard i am) so that anyone who reads this and cares about me (ha!!) can know that i still will probably die before my 30th birthday.
1. Entered relationship with white rapper.
2. Moved to New Orleans
3. Saw neighbors dead body being dragged from his home and adopted his cat...orange
4. Entered bar named Buddha Belly on christmas eve with parents and ginger rapper
5. Let hippie couple move into my house in exchange for weed and food
6. Went to home of hippie couples friends...met home owner (11 year old boy stuck in 29 year old drunks body), and an ex couple who were still living together. He was a 42 year old punk rocker, an old school punk rocker...and i wasn't quite sure what she was. all i know is they were both tripping on acid. dragged vanilla cube with me and had to go home early when he wouldn't stop bitching about how no one liked him.
7. Grew a set of balls and broke up with idiot i'd wasted 6 months of my life with two days before my birthday.
8. 11 year old tells me he's really into casual sex in front of spineless loser who (SUPRISE) does nothing but sulk in corner.
9. Mr. Old school invites hippie couple and me to dinner at his house one day before my 20th...we sneak out with idiot sleeping in back. Mr. O waits until we are alone and asks if i'm okay, when i hesitate and say that i will be, he smiles and kisses the palm of my hand. I smile big as he walks away. 10 minutes later mr. spineless calls and starts bitching about how he woke up to an empty dark house...everyone in the room hears and gives looks of smpathy. Mr. O's "ex" passes out and we sneak out to go drinking. Mr. O buys everyone drinks and the bar closes, we go back to his house...he finds someone he does not like and beats half the life out of him and accidentaly breaks two ribs on the way out. We go to a cemetary and smoke some weed to calm down and proceed to 24 hour bar. I spend whole time talking to Mr. O and end up kissing him...its now my birthday and im very happy.
10. I walk outside and realize its very bright...made dumb promise to drive Mr. Spineless to work...walk home and he bitches and decides not to go and tells me I have a week to find somewhere else to live...i put deposit down and paid first months rent but say fine because I can no longer stand to be anywhere near him.
11. Spend all day thinking about Mr. O and hope he likes me.
12. Go out for birthday with hippie couple and find Mr. O in bar I cannot get in to...convince him to leave with us.
13. Odd friend drives up and brings nitrous tank...sit on sidewalk sucking nitrous out of condoms. Decide to leave early with Mr. O.
14. Stumble home at 8 and am reminded that I have to find somewhere else to live. he got a call from a co-worker saying i was sitting on some old guys lap...great
15. Mr. O shows hippie couple and me abandoned house down the street from his dwelling that he used to escape to when his ex would go crazy, which was often...he had turned on the electricity. He says he had fun the night before...i ask him if it was worth it and he smiles and says yes.
16. While sitting in Mr. O's house watching tv...ex reffers to him as boyfriend...smart me overlooks it
17. I drive my squat to drop off bags...with no ulterior motives...see Mr. O walk outside house with bike. offer him a ride...drop him off couple of hours later
18. Get home and recieve phone call 15 minutes later...Mr. O says things got bad and that he needs a ride. Turns out crazy ex went crazy...kicked him in the ribs that he had broken and told him she would kill me...yay. take Mr. O to hospital.
19. Move into the squat early...its cold but i have someone to keep me warm. Until...BOOM...someone is trying to kick in the door, someone keeps saying, "I'm going to kill that Indian bitch, i know they're in there!" I really wanted to go out there and tell her i wasn't indian, and i planned on communicating that by shoving my boot in her face. but we stayed quiet and eventually the neo-nazi she once tried to hook me up with convinced her to leave. I cant find my phone...fuck me I cant find my phone, I saw Mr. O pick it up so where can it be? We sneak back to the squat and its not there...shit, hope crazy didn't pick it up.
20. Drive around for hours looking for hippie roommates, find them by chance...she has a story to tell. crazy did grab my phone...she then called my parents and told them i was fucking a 43 year old heroin addict...yay. she then called my former leech and told him to call my parents and say he's "concerned" that i've become loose. and lastly...my parents do my a huge favor and tell her i'm only 20...when i had told my bartender roommate i was 23...yay. Good thing I told Mr. O the truth the other day.
21. Found pay phone and told parents that the heroin thing was a long time ago and that everything was fine...dad called me a whore. i didn't like that so i hung up...got a new phone a week later.
22. I got to get the fuck out of here...so we got the fuck out of there. and we made it to here...virginia beach, and i guess thats pretty much it.
...oh wait...except for the part where im gonna be mrs. old school punk rocker...yay.
the end |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2006|11:17 am] |
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its nice not living in a car anymore. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2006|01:10 pm] |
this is my stupid druggie kitten Nesta...(i did not take these pictures)
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| College Life |
[Mar. 24th, 2006|04:07 pm] |
...best way i know of to get your work done.
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| Yeah! |
[Mar. 23rd, 2006|01:40 pm] |
TheKingisDead13 (1:33:25 PM): if i was a greek god which one would i be
iapersona (1:34:03 PM): um... you'd be a nymph
iapersona (1:34:17 PM): daughter of neptune
iapersona (1:34:52 PM): youd be in the woods, making merry at secret feasts and orgies
iapersona (1:35:06 PM): luring unsuspecting greek men to their doom
iapersona (1:35:34 PM): and I need to smoke. brb |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 23rd, 2006|01:29 am] |
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So today was a great day: my friend died, I have spinal meningitis, and I might have given it to someone else, who could in turn die…and I have no way of telling him. Great day. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 28th, 2006|03:25 pm] |
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Pitcher boy: "What'chu gonna do with all that thump? All that thump behind that trunk?"
Elephant: "I'ma get get get get you punk. Get you punch drunk off my thump."
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 28th, 2006|03:05 am] |
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For some reason im more sad when my friends are sad than when i'm sad...if that makes any sense. Well since im sure you get the general tone of it, let me just say this...i fucking hate it. I wish i could feel nothing and just sit there and continue to have a good time. I either need to get new friends or I need to become a cold heartless bitch. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 17th, 2006|11:41 am] |
Lambert. Hare. Bacon. Eggs. Goddard. Fred. Tycho. Gabe!
...
...
ugh...where am I? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 10th, 2006|10:43 am] |
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I can't believe this is happening, I hate seeing someone so kind be taken advantage of like this. I tried so hard to not let him see, at first I thought I had done it, but now im sure he saw the picture. I just hate this so much, other peoples sadness seeps into me and I know I'm only feeling such a small portion of the pain. How can she be so heartless. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 4th, 2006|05:20 pm] |
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so it looks like i made it...i cant help but be tense, i feel that something horrible is right around the corner. some horrible disaster will cause me to have to not only leave...but lose an eye. and since i would really like to keep both eyes, im like a fucking african deer (i dont know what they're called, i know i've heard it somewhere but my brain doesn't work very well) and ready to bolt at any second. maybe if i go and get drunk it will loosen my mind a little, but thats not the only thing that gets loose when i drink (no not that), i do this little thing where i start yelling at people and saying the most horrible things that i can possibly think of...nice, i know. i dont think i remember why i started making this post so i think the best thing would be for me to end it...but i like this keyboard, so...la;skdjfl;kjdiwea;ogdjkls;ahgiew;oakjdsfkjdsa fjiwa. That wasn't as fun as i thought it would be. now im just bored...dammit, im gonna go, bye. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 18th, 2005|07:23 pm] |
I’m in a weird mood: I’m sick and I’ve spent most of my day in that place between consciousness and unconsciousness. That place where you know you’re awake but you know that the things you are seeing aren’t supposed to be there (a phenomenon that can sometimes be a problem when I’m fully conscious). While trying to force myself to not talk to the weird creatures in my room, I noticed some things that I had never noticed before. There is a hole in my ceiling; I do not know how it got there and cannot imagine any possible scenario that ends with a hole in my ceiling. The other thing I noticed is that there is a paint clot to the left of the hole that looks like a vagina. Or maybe it just looks like a vagina to a sleaze like me, it might look like the virgin mary to someone else.
( read more ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 9th, 2005|11:15 pm] |
I made my very first GIF
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 6th, 2005|02:10 am] |
If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and I. It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you.
anyone who has had be sign their yearbook knows im quite good at this.
someone please do it...i could really use a good laugh. |
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